This is a movie whose contents seem to have been filmed as soon as they were dreamt up, leaving no time for consideration or revision. Some of these elements are simply dumb, and others are magnificently stupid. So, if you're looking for a campy, poorly-dubbed giant monster movie, look no further. Gammera the Invincible¹ is a very poorly made movie with enough laughable flaws to be fun to watch. That's not to mention the fact that the title monster is a giant turtle with tusks and an appetite for fire (literally).

Somewhere near the Northwest Passage, a Russian plane carrying a nuke is shot down. You can guess what happens. It crashes, and the nuke explodes, releasing an ancient terror that has been until now safely frozen solid. Prepare yourselves for Gamera² -- the coolest giant turtle you'll ever see, in one of the most awesomely bad movies ever!

I could make fun of the fact that the monster is a giant turtle, but the monster suit is actually one of the film's high points, looking convincingly mean and destructive. But the commendation stops there. One of the funniest things about Gamera is the fact that he walks upright, and for some reason the actor inside the suit paddles his arms when he walks, adding to the silliness. Another thing about the monster is he breathes and eats fire. So whenever he breathes fire on people (which is only once in the film, in a curious scene that, apparently to create the sense of burning, the picture transitions to its negative), those who are burned also get the added insult of technically being puked on by the monster.

The fire-eating is actually explained at one point, in a scene that highlights another bad aspect of the film: the science. When it is observed that Gamera eats fire, one scientist concludes that "obviously his metabolism is not like ours." Thanks, professor. Some other occasions of bad science include a "nuclear" explosion the size of that of maybe a bundle of dynamite, and an official remarking that if Gamera is not defeated within twenty-four hours, the world may come to an end. Really? The whole world? Let me explain something: Gamera may be a giant turtle, but he moves with the speed of a normal one. Ain't no way this thing's gonna traverse the entire globe in a day.

But the hands-down stupidest/best part of the film is the first semi-successful retaliation against the monster. When one character comes up with the idea that cold could be Gamera's weakness since ice had originally kept him locked up for so long, Captain Lovell, one of the main military figures in the film, says that the Army has "freezing bombs" (that's not the funny part). As soon as he says this, a character asks, "Captain, do you mean the army has a bomb that will freeze things?" (still not the funny part). When the military uses these bombs on Gamera, he eventually gets knocked onto his back and, it is thought, becomes helpless. But what he does next I don't even have words for. He draws up into his shell and (this is the funny part) shoots fire out of his limb-holes, which in turn somehow makes him spin around really fast, which in turn somehow causes him to left into the air UFO-style and fly off. I wish the scientists would have tried to explain that one.

Let me append that, actually. There is one part that is more ridiculous. It is the film's ending, so skip this paragraph if you don't want it spoiled. It turns out that "Plan Z," the plan to get rid of Gamera once and for all, is to lure him onto a certain spot and -- are you ready for this? -- activate a rocket that assembles itself around the monster and shoots off into space with him, specifically headed to Mars (I don't know why they had to aim for Mars; shooting him into the depths of space for eternity would seem like a better and easier idea). It is one of the coolest, stupidest, funniest things I have seen in a movie. Even if there were nothing else to make fun of in Gammera the Invincible, this scene alone would have made the entire film worth it.

The movie is predictably riddled with more mundane flaws as well. For one thing, there is way too much time spent showing the disbelief of people when told about this giant turtle. There is also plenty of bad editing, including characters talking without moving their mouths (even the non-dubbed ones) and characters moving their mouths without talking. In any other movie, these faults would be damaging, but here they're like door-dings on a car that has been totalled. All in all, this is one of the sloppiest-made films one is likely to see.

I have to say, though, that despite the many ways in which this movie fails, there is something actually good about Gammera the Invincible. Gamera is a monster that, save for the one time he actually burns the group of people directly and seemingly intentionally, is out only to feed himself. In this sense, he's almost not actually mean; he just wants to eat. A little boy who is a turtle-lover and is ardently defensive of Gamera says, "He doesn't mean to be dangerous. He's just so big and clumsy; that's all." In this light, we can actually sympathize with the monster who is the enemy of mankind only because he's hungry and doesn't know any better. But, in the true spirit of the bad-ness of the film, this sympathy is destroyed be the fact that he does at one point kill innocents apparently on purpose ... and the fact that he freely spews forth his sole source of nourishment. Maybe he just has acid reflux.

In many ways, Gammera the Invincible is like a mid-range Godzilla flick, with little more to its credit than a giant monster and a number of attack scenes; however, due to the fact that it is just so poorly made, it is much more entertaining than the non-A-list entries of the Godzilla franchise. Simply put, I like me some giant monsters. Preferably, when I watch a giant monster movie it turns out to be really, genuinely good. But they can't all be winners. When that is the case, I would choose a bottom-of-the-barrel, absolute crap monster film over a mediocre one any day. Let me put it this way: I own this movie on DVD; it is without a doubt the worst in my collection, but I don't plan on getting rid of it anytime soon.